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if someone says hi to me then it is a miracle

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 21:35:00 -0400

if someone says hi to me

then it is a miracle

heavy breathing

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 08:25:41 -0400

you smoke in the stairway
you sleep in a coma
you drink alcohol while watching dim sum
you breathe heavily next to me
you smell like cigarettes and tree soap
you wish you could play the cello
i wish you wouldn’t pass out
you wish i wasn’t so thin

you wish we could be out all night;
eating like birds in Chinatown,
smoking and laughing and drinking
with dark circles under our eyes,
our eyes heavy

your hands are cold in the shower
my body is bruised
my skeleton is showing

// on sunday, the doll agreed to eating out with the monster and the bat they ordered pizza and...

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 15:26:00 -0400

on sunday, the doll agreed to eating out
with the monster and the bat
they ordered pizza and salad to share
she took small bites,
analyzing the food
as if it were some strange substance
after they were finished, the monster asked,
“how do you feel?”
she thought a while
“i think i am okay”

the next day,
she wore a rubber band around her wrist
to snap herself
whenever she felt the need to binge
or eat unhealthily
she ate 4 cucumbers and carrots
and 2 bites of ice cream for dinner

(she’s in her recovery/non-recovery stage)

//

she called the monster at 1 in the morning
“i vow to eat a normal meal every sunday”
she announced
“that’s great” the monster said sleepily
“so that means on sunday you have to take me out
or i could cook”
“sure”
“and then i can eat like a bird monday- saturday,
so sundays will be a free day”
“mhm”
” i like this plan. it is easier. because my mom visits me on sundays
and she always wants me to eat
so instead of resisting,
i will just enjoy my company with her,
as long as i don’t overeat of course”
the doll went on and on about her new plan
the monster fell in and out of an altered state of consciousness,
trying to keep up
“i am getting myself a kitty tomorrow”
“oh?” the monster mumbled
“yes, i will name it atticus,
after atticus finch in to kill a mockingbird
and i will feed it fish and chicken
and milk
and lovely food that kitties like”
“i’m tired, imogen,
for that was her real name
“okay, well goodnight”

often the doll would come over at night and watch japanese horror films with the monster and the bat...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 19:34:18 -0400

often the doll would come over
at night
and watch japanese horror films with the monster and the bat
“before i die,
i want lots of parties
and fornication” the doll had said one night
the monster raised his eyebrow,
he always raises his eyebrow,
the bat laughed
and kissed her on the forehead

// she purged something hot he felt helpless “i’m sorry” she said “yeah, me...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 19:33:31 -0400

//

she purged something hot
he felt helpless
“i’m sorry” she said
“yeah, me too”
she smiled then
“don’t worry, i’ll be here for a while
this disease will take a while before it kills me”

the monster lived in an apartment,
that was small and dark,
downtown
with his roommate, the bat
the bat slept all day
and watched horror films all night
one rainy night,
the monster came home with takeout
from the japanese restaurant by the apartment
“i’ve got food”
the bat nodded
“what movie is this?” the monster asked,
as he sat on the floor beside the bat
and gave him his food
“suicide circle”
“ah”
the monster flinched a little
when he saw the girls fling themselves
in front of the train,
buckets of blood pouring everywhere
the bat didn’t even blink
“i’m going to the bathroom” the monster announced to no one
because the bat never replies really
the monster looked at his face in the mirror
ugly and scarred
he punched the mirror,
shards of glass cutting his fist,
blood draining in the sink
he sighed
“fuck”
he cleaned himself up
and went back downstairs to join the bat
who certainly did notice the monster’s self-abuse
but didn’t say anything

// one day, ravished, the doll scarfed down the entire contents of her fridge, inhaling everything...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:03:07 -0400

one day,
ravished, the doll scarfed down the entire contents
of her fridge,
inhaling everything and anything that her small hands could touch
afterward, the doll cried
she called the monster and asked him to come over
“what’s wrong?” he asked,
when she let him in her apartment
“i’m scared” she replied, still crying
“what are you scared of?”
“being fat…i ate so much” she sobbed,
sinking to the floor
the monster didn’t say anything,
not sure what to say,
or sure of what to say
“i want to die” she said
the monster scowled at her
“i’m leaving”
“why?” she looked up, her porcelain face tear streaked
the monster looked away, avoiding her sad eyes
“you are not thinking rationally”
“please stay” she pleaded
the monster couldn’t resist her sad eyes
“alright”
he comforted her as she crouched on the floor,
resisting the urge to purge
he felt helpless
as she dealt with the demons inside of her

// they met back at the coffee shop with many questions but refrained from the inundation of...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 13:00:38 -0400

//

they met back at the coffee shop
with many questions
but refrained from the inundation of questions
and decided to take a walk to the park
people stared at them
what an odd couple, people thought
one is so big, the other so small
he could crush the poor thing!
the doll frowned,
for she was able to tell what they were thinking
just from their expressions
“why do people think i am so delicate,
so fragile?” she asked the monster
they were walking hand in hand now,
her hand slipping from his enormous grasp
the monster didn’t answer,
for it was a rhetoric question
they took a spot in the shade
in a grassy area
the doll watched as the monster ate
burger king
she felt sleepy then,
the sun beaming on her face
she leaned herself against the monster
and snuggled into his large and cushion-y self
surprised, the monster put down his burger
and laid himself down on the grass,
pulling the doll next to him
and stroked her back,
lifting her short pink dress up at times
accidentally
they slept under the tree in the grass,
small doll on top of big monster

often the doll would just stare
as the monster ate,
her doe eyes widening, as if she were eating the food herself
the monster would offer,
“are you hungry?”
“no”
the monster would raise an eyebrow
the doll would come closer to him,
the smells of the food engulfing around her nose,
watering her mouth
the monster doesn’t say anything more,
just continues eating
this whole process would become habitual:
the monster would eat,
and the doll would stare

there once lived a monster and a dollthey met at a coffee shop;the doll was drinking water and words...

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 12:58:47 -0400

there once lived a monster and a doll
they met at a coffee shop;
the doll was drinking water and words by the window
and the monster was scarfing down a chicken sandwich
and a brownie
she caught his eye;
she was so, well, doll-like,
with big doe eyes the color of caramel
and long eyelashes
and bright blonde hair that was almost white
she was tiny
and short
the monster hadn’t realized that he was staring
until she stared back
he looked away quickly,
embarrassed and disgusted
as he felt crumbs on his mouth
she thought he was silly
and tall
or just too out of proportion for his body
and ate like a savage
she carried her delicate self
out the door
the monster followed her

the next day,
the monster sat at his usual spot at the coffee shop
and he spotted the doll come in
instead of sitting at her usual spot
she walked toward the monster
the monster’s heart raced
“you were following me yesterday”
the doll stated, her voice small
and high-pitched
“yes,” the monster said, his voice deep
“why?”
“i don’t know”
“do i intrigue you?”
“on many levels”
she raised an eyebrow
“you are not eating a sandwich” she noticed
“that is important?”
“you always have a sandwich and a brownie”
“you never have anything”
she was silent
then, laughed
“yes, that’s true”
“why don’t you eat?” the monster asked
“why do you eat so much?” the doll asked
they pondered these questions,
not wanting to answer
when it was time for both of them to go,
the monster asked,
“can i see you again?”
“perhaps, can i see you again?” she asked
“of course, i thought that was implied”
she smiled
“it was nice talking to you, monster”
“it’s been nice, doll”

the monster and the doll (the story is read backwards)

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:09:00 -0400

the monster and the doll

(the story is read backwards)

you know me too well/you don't know me enough

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 17:27:00 -0400

“i know you said not to call you,

but i wouldn’t call you unless it’s an emergency”

“…go on.”

“i have a knife in my hand. give me two good reasons why i shouldn’t kill myself right now.”

“i don’t have two good reasons.”

“do you want me to die?”

“no.”

“do you care about me?”

“yes.”

“am i yours? do you love me?”

“…yes, dear.”

“then why can’t you come up with two good reasons?”

“because then, i’d only be telling you what you want to hear.”

“tell me what you want to say”

“no.”

“…”

“is the knife still in your hand?”

“no, i dropped it.”

“okay, i have two good reasons now.”

“what?”

“i am capable of distracting you and you dropped the knife.”

“ugh, you are so frustrating.”

“at least i stopped you.”

“hmph. i love you.”

“i love you too,

and please, call me when you have an emergency,

and not when you are looking for validation.”

we will be each other’s suicides; you will overdose because you can’t handle water in...

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:48:29 -0400

we will be each other’s suicides;

you will overdose

because you can’t handle water

in your lungs

and i will suffocate myself

for you

because they told me

walking into a car

hurts

if you were to die on the way home, would you burn in hell? would you be living? are you alone? are...

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 09:47:15 -0400

if you were to die on the way home,

would you burn in hell?

would you be living?

are you alone?

are you okay with this?

i know a girl who says “oh” and “quite” and “well” a lot and who...

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 11:05:38 -0400

i know a girl

who says “oh” and “quite” and “well” a lot

and who swears in her head

and twitches in her sleep

and watches death note anime in the dark

and comments to her friend on msn messenger about it

but he replies irrelevantly

and says things like “i was a tree today”

but she’s used to this

she wears pink frilly dresses

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:49:18 -0400

i like how,

behind your wide-eyed, doll-like and dumb facade,

you are horridly morbid

and obsessed

with suicide

and serial killers

do you feel my irregular heartbeat when you touch my bones beneath my skin?

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:43:51 -0400

do you feel my irregular heartbeat

when you touch my bones

beneath my skin?

i am starting to severely dislike food and the process of eating food brain sends neurons to signal...

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:13:41 -0400

i am starting to severely dislike food

and the process of eating food

brain sends neurons to signal movement in hand

hand puts food in mouth

salivary glands are activated

chew chew swallow

down the esophagus

oh, it’s blocked in the arteries

heart attack

false alarm,

down to the stomach

digestion

brain sends neurons to signal movement in hand

hand goes down throat

muscles contract

digested food slowly comes back up the esophagus

in the toilet

the process is wrong

my breath tastes like hot acid

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:57:27 -0400

my breath tastes

like hot acid

i want to sleep- with his beating pulse, his ribs mark the scars where i plant my lips, and where...

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 12:19:40 -0400

i want to sleep-

with his beating pulse,

his ribs mark the scars

where i plant my lips,

and where you bleed

for me,

dear

part three // before sanity

Sun, 31 May 2009 08:58:56 -0400

part three

before sanity

3. john nodded at me and i walked up to the register to alex. “hey alex.” i said, putting my $1.29...

Sun, 31 May 2009 08:53:00 -0400

john nodded at me and i walked up to the register

to alex.

“hey alex.” i said,

putting my $1.29 on the counter for the soda.

“don’t move.” i said,

beginning to sound cliché.

alex lifted an eyebrow.

i lifted my gun.

“this is a holdup.” i said meekly.

alex stared at me for awhile and said finally,

“ben, don’tdothiswhyareyoudoingthisthisisstupidputthegundown.”

john kept nodding at me and nodding

and it felt like the whole store

was nodding at me

even alex was nodding at me

the cigarettes behind alex were nodding at me

and i wanted a cigarette now

“alex can i have cigarette? Marlboro.”

alex contorts his face

“are you fucking kidding me, man?”

i confuse john nodding at me as laughing

and i am laughing

and alex calls the police

and i am suddenly nervous.

quivering, i hold the gun up higher and say,

“i’m sorry”

and shoot his face in.

he seemed to move in slow motion

to the floor,

his blood splattering all over

the cigarettes and counter.

and i begin to laugh because his last words were:

“are you fucking kidding me, man?”

john quickly moves behind the counter

and steals all the money

which is like $60

because no one buys anything in this

fucking convenience store

and i shot a man for 60 fucking dollars

and i am laughing

and john is laughing

and the police have arrived

and i tell john

wait, i want to die here

next to alex

and john asks

what am i going to do?

and i shrug

and i feel a heavy and slightly painful

thud

on my left temple